I’ve had trouble sleeping at a reasonable time of day ever since I was 13 or so — so basically since the beginning of mati™.1 (anything before that is a reconstructed stage of proto-me.) part of this is because I drink way too much coffee, sometimes more than five cups a day, but I think it also has to do with how hard it is for me to be entertained while doing something. I haven’t found a good activity for winding down before I sleep, and I think my brain is wired in such a way that I’m never going to find one.
it’s 12:30 am as I’m writing this. maybe writing posts on here is going to become my default activity for switching off before I sleep, but I doubt it’s going to be a particularly good one, since I’m typing on a phone right now, and blue light and all that stuff. maybe I should get one of those blue light–blocking glasses?
anyway, the conundrum I have most of the time is that no activity is entertaining enough for me to do before bed that I actually want to do it and not just stop and go do something else, but also not too entertaining to the point that I’m using my brainpower on it — the intent here is to wind down before finally putting away whatever you were doing and going to sleep.
I would watch a movie, a series, an anime or something, but for some reason my brain is wired to be extremely bored out by anything of that sort after the first ten minutes somehow. similar problems come from reading books, even if they’re nonfiction (unless it’s a particularly good one, but in that case I’d actually “use my brain too much” to read it, which is what I’m trying not to do here.)
somehow video essays work for me sometimes, but they have to be just the right amount of interesting — not too interesting that I want to turn up the volume and listen to them like I would during the day, but also not dull enough that I’d rather watch something else.
father, I cannot click the book
am I overstimulated? is it just the damn phone? when I was a child I wasn’t like this. I used to read a lot as a child. so maybe it is the damn phone. this is the type of stuff that makes me consider that I might have ADHD as well — it co-occurs with autism at a higher-than-chance rate, so maybe I should get that checked.
the Wretched Rectangle has also made me somewhat of a “hypersocial” person. I get bored very easily, and any form of entertainment that’s just “passive” like watching a movie bores me easily, so if there isn’t anyone online for me to bother on Discord, I feel some sort of unscratchable primordial itch. I’ve tried uninstalling social media from my phone, but it generally only lasts a day, because I inevitably just download it again.
how is coffee not illegal
it also probably does not help me that I drink five or more cups of coffee a day, usually. well, it’s five or so on a good day, but every day I’d say I drink at least two. (with milk, so it’s not all coffee. but on the other hand when I say “cups” I mean reasonably well-filled mugs.)2
this has devastating effects on my circadian rhythm, which barely even circles its cadians anymore. I wish I had developed some kind of insensitivity to caffeine at this point, but it really does seem like I haven’t. I still drink it in the evening though, because I like coffee, even though I really shouldn’t.
anyway that’s it for today. going to sleep now (or not, I’ll probably just lie in bed for twenty minutes and then reach for my phone again.) good night